Zara top and sandals, H&M pants, Levi's jacket
It has been so long since my last style post and I am dismayed by how careless I am with this blog lately. As much as I want to document, I feel that certain priorities in life have shifted and I have begun to refocus my efforts on things past my hobbies. Not that I am giving up on writing or creative pursuits. I am at a crucial point in life where I have to re-evaluate my passion and purpose, now that I am finishing education in just less than 2 months time.
I remembered living life with ease and I had such a vivid goal I wanted to achieve, but somehow while chasing my dreams, I lost my compass and hopelessly strayed away from my initial direction in life. Sometimes I do feel a deep sadness within me, like I am wasting my life away. I have a burning desire to be remembered, to make my life matter in some way, but I honestly cannot pinpoint an aspect of me that I can be proud of. My low self-esteem kept telling me that I am just another untalented, mediocre pursuer and I won't succeed enough to earn even lunch money. It is as if my self-esteem has a mind of its own and is slowly infecting mine like a disease. These anxious thoughts and worries have been haunting me day and night as if they are now a part of me. I just want to shirk all my problems behind and take a trip to somewhere else.
Although my parents are supportive of anything I wanted to do as long as I can achieve a stable footing, I am such a gutless coward that I am afraid of risks and failures. I blame the opportunities I wasn't given to achieve my dreams, being unappreciative and taking everything that is present for granted. I have never fight for anything, I have never given anything my 100%. And I don't even deserve to be so depressed when I have yet tackled even half of what I actually want to do.
Having stuck in this place of uncertainty is a struggle I have kept to myself for such a long time and it is such a relief to be able to pen down exactly those vague thoughts that have been circling round and round to understand myself better. I always think that I am a positive person, that I always try to see things in a better light, but honestly often times I just feel like a hopeless person, like I cannot do anything significant. Which is why lately, instead of fiction I have mostly picked on self-help books in hopes of finding enlightenment to inspire myself. I want to live a more fulfilling life and all of the soul searching won't do me any good unless I start taking action while learning about other things along the way; that's why rather than posing in front of the camera, I have been going for more photowalks and further deepening my knowledge about going green!